I don’t have a lot to say nowadays. I used to have so many thoughts in my mind that I thought I would, at some point, explode. But now it’s just.. Blank.
I wrote a post in June that basically was a letter to myself (I didn’t post it though), to remind myself that I need to let people in. I need to trust people, in order to be happy. Because you’re not gonna be happy if you mistrust everyone you meet.
I feel like I’ve made this mistake so many times.
Trusting the wrong ones. And the ones that actually was trustworthy was the ones who got away. Why do I always do this? And so many times I’ve thought ”Maybe this is my subconscious telling me that I actually like being miserable” But when I think about it it doesn’t make sense. Why would anyone want to be miserable?
And I’ve come to the conclusion that no, I don’t like being miserable, but I’m so used to it that it’s the only thing I know how to handle. Disappointment. Come to think of it, I actually don’t know how to handle it. I know that it’s horrible, and I get so sad every time, but to handle it I get more and more introvert and honestly, that’s not the way to deal with this. At this point I kinda see myself as an expert on red flags, but I’m still going back to the persons that I deep down know is gonna hurt me and once again I get the feeling that I like being miserable. But that’s not the case. I think.
In all of this I feel lost, and confused. I can’t figure myself out. I’m 22 years old and I should at least have a clue.
I feel like I’m all alone in this, am I?